Scared Out of My Mind

I started biting my nails the moment I laid my eyes on this:

Yes, the day has finally come and oh how I dread it.

Today I got almost everything done, I still don't know what unit I'm going to be with, but it is highly likely to be with the team I really really don't want to be a part of. I've decided against going next week to find out. I'm going to use the next week or so to pray pray and pray some more that whatever happens works out for the best.

Things I'm not looking forward to:

1. Hospital smell (something that never bothered me in the past).

2. My shyness, my incessant blushing during rounds, that fear at the pit of my stomach when I know a question is heading my way.

3. The feeling I get when I don't know the answer to something.

4. The people. I'm not up for all the politics, the gossip, the judgement, the jealousy.

5. Forming new friendships with my colleagues. I really don't like mixing work and play. I know for a fact that working with friends is never a good idea, so I'm hoping to God that the people I work with are not the kind of people that expect me to be their best friend all of a sudden and start doing things together (even during working hours). I like my privacy and I LOVE my space.

6. Dealing with my seniors. Some people are able to pull down those walls between themselves and their bosses, they become 'friends', exchange numbers, socialise even! Not me....no....I actually build an even higher wall!
All I am good for is being polite, smiling and saying:
"Good morning/good afternoon/y36ekom il3afya/thank you/ur welcome/yes/no".
I'm not joking. I am so bad, that I know people sometimes get offended by how little I say. I seem unintrested and end up making them feel uncomfortable.
I cant count the times I've done that to people!! Ahhh if only they knew why.

7. Waiting for elevators and the substitute of going up or down stairs with someone right behind me. Why don't people understand the concept of SPACE.
(And if someone things I'm exaggerating then you need to know that I have a phobia of falling on stairs, especially when I hear footsteps behind me).

8. Sleeping there when I'm on-call. I heard once that the doctor's rooms in the basement are haunted! Madri itha sij.

9. The opposite sex. And interacting with them. Boys bore me. Why dont they understand that and leave me alone? At work I'm a "Hi, shlonik(ch)/shakhbarik(ch), yalla gotta run, cya soon" kinda person. Me no likey standing in hallways. Even if I havent seen you in months. I prefer sitting down somewhere and watching people do whatever they're doing, in SILENCE.

10. THE RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Plz plz make the pain in my chest go away? 2 days straight? Is this how it feels to have a panic attack?
Where is this cowardliness coming from?
Enough! Stick it up woman!


*Pic is of baby 7amoud...he's been teething lately and he's been biting anything in his path of destruction, like his hand, my trouser leg, my hand, my mobile...u name it he'll use it. Maskeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen 7bebi!!