My Heart Is Aching

You probably think I havent been updating lately because I've been busy with work. WRONG!

On my 2nd day of work, while busy (and very happily) clerking my first ever patient, that really was my patient, not like when I was a student and it was all "make believe". My phone rang. It was my dad. Breaking the news that my dear grandma passed away. Right in the ward above me. I quickly found myself dropping everything and running upstairs. My dad was the first one I saw, I hugged him so hard. I felt so sorry for him. It's not easy losing a parent. Especially when it was a parent like her, who gave mind, body, heart & soul to her children and her children's children.

I cannot go on with the details out of respect for my sister and my cousin(s) who read my blog and were not able to be with us in this time. But I will say this: She was a remarkable woman, she had strength, warmth, endless love and affection, she had character, she had personality. She was herself in every way possible. Truly someone to live up to. Now, whenever anyone asks me who my role model is, I finally know my answer. Her. If I ever become half the mother she was to her children, than my children will be very lucky.

Today my aunts and I went into her room, for some reason I started opening her drawers, to get a sense of her. And I found this.....
I remember this lunchbox from when I was very very very little. Back when we used to live in the same house and she would take me into her room and give me KitKat bu qa9deer o 7alaw ma9a9 bu qalb o 3ilch farawla bu kwar o 3ilch bu*****.She kept her sewing materials in it. It's old, it's dusty, but it was touched by her old wrinkly fingers and every little knick knack in there screams DAIDA !!! My aunt told me I could have it and I was so happy :) I have something to remember her by.

Allah yer7amha ib ra7mita o yj3al mathwaha aljanna.
Please igraw ilfat7a 3ela ro7ha.
Please make a silent prayer for her.

Sister and cousin(s), theres no need to be sad, she's at a better place now, she really is, everyone keeps telling me how she was glowing like an angel when she was finally put to her resting place. Allah yer7mich "7abeebat galbi" as she always said.

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Now comes the selfish and self obsessed part of the post. Plz plz plz be honest and tell me that I'm wrong to be thinking such thoughts o ina 3aib 3alay I should be mourning not thinking such negative thoughts about people.

Now you all know from previous posts that I'm not one to expect things from people. I know what people are capable of from previous experiences so I have learnt to ignore what people say and do and live in my own little bubble untouched and unsullied by this dirty little world we live in.

That said, I have A LOT of friends. Many many acquaintences. As a friend of mine who never says mashAllah said on more than 1 occasion :

"DR-o intay 7athich 3indich ishkithir rabi3, ma t9er 7afla wela 3irs wela istiqbal ila intay ma3zoma, ilkil y7bich"
"Alo...ha DR wainich? Wallah ana 6al3a ma3a rfejti. Mino? Wa7da ma t3arfenha. M9eeba intay ishkithir rabi3 3indich"
"Waaaaay DR I'm so lonely, I want to go out. 7athich intay ma tmilen, dayman lahya wiya a7ad shkithr 3indich rabi3"
I'm not exaggerating. This is more or less exactlty the kind of things shes said to me.

So, naturally, me being the ra3yat wajib I am. Never missing anyones wedding, birthday party, reception, ghabqa, 3aza, you name it I'm there. Even if I have an exam the next day, even if I'm invited to somewhere else the same day. I show up for my friends. I expected the same from other people. And in this sense I was not wrong to 'expect' anything from anyone.

So when I first heard the news of my grandmothers passing, I smsed those nearest and dearest to me with the news. I naturally thought they would as I have 1 million times before done, sms my friends and acquaintences with the news. The days of the 3aza came, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, a couple of girls would show up each day. I didn't think much of it.

After the 3aza was over. After I ran into a few girls at work and noone 3azani. After I recieved a couple of very late condolences by sms. I started to wonder. Hmmmm. Funny. Didn't a very small amount of girls show up to the 3aza? Less than 1/4 of all my friends? I decided that it was very rude of me to think this way and tried to forget about it.

But yesterday I couldn't keep it in an longer. I decided to call 2 of my closest friends that I 'expected' would have informed everyone.

Girl 1: Totally blew me off. And said that she only told w, x, y and z. As if she hadn't done anything wrong. She was acting all nonchalent. As if it wasn't her job to let ppl know. SHE who calls me with the stupidest most annoying details of her boring life and I listen to EVERYTHING she says, did not give me the time of day! SHE who is glued to her phone 24/7 who is ALWAYS smsing someone, who forwards dirty jokes, really bad jokes, prayers, and stupid love dovey msgs to virtually EVERYONE on her phone list, could not find the decency to send a simple msg with "Yadat DR twafat o il3aza bil mokan ilflani fil sa3a ilflaniya" !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Girl 2: Acted all innocent and told me laaaa ana gilt 7g flana o flana (all the girls who smsed with late condolences) and blamed the whole thing on Girl 1 to deflect all error from herself. I know her too well, she did tell a few ppl, some of which did show up, but nevertheless ham a7san min Girl 1.

I'm seriously not joking but I was deeply hurt. And really its not about wanting people to come, but when running into old school friends at the hospital, wearing all black and them seeing me and hugging me and telling me how they've missed me and asking how work is for me INSTEAD of 3atham Allah ajrich feels really really awkward. You have to be in the situation to fully understand it. I mean, its a bit like having a new hair cut and expecting everyone to notice it and compliment you on it.

All I can say is I was made to feel very insignificant and unimportant this week.
Be it from the behaviour of my so-called friends, my new job that Im not too good at, or from someone I really don't have the energy to talk about.



Hffff.



I think this is my hormones talking. I'm never this mean.






*Sorry for the long post and sorry about the previous posts i did not reply to ur comments. Will do it soon.